Can a marriage thrive without intimacy? Or, can it still be technically called “marriage” if intimacy is out of the picture?
The loss of intimacy is one of the most painful things that can happen to a marriage. But what is intimacy? Let alone a biblical structure of it?
In the journey of marriage, a biblical understanding of intimacy paves the way for a deeply fulfilling union. Marriage, after all, is God’s idea and so intimacy is also a part of His design.
Rooted in God’s design, intimacy is a complex, multifaceted instrument that is key to weaving together the fabric of a harmonious relationship.
Intimacy is not just sex. It is so much more than that. And as we unpack the Biblical references to intimacy, we’ll find out what it is and why it is so central to God’s design for marriage.
They Shall Become One Flesh
We find the first mention of God’s design for marriage in Genesis 2:24, underscoring a profound union between husband and wife: “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.”
This transformative journey of leaving one’s parental home and then cleaving to one’s spouse not only symbolizes a physical departure but also a deep spiritual and emotional coming-together of two people. This is a union of their whole being: two bodies, two souls, two spirits brought together as “one flesh”.
The imagery of becoming “one flesh” paints a very vivid picture in our minds and most of us immediately turn to the physical aspect of it – a sexual union. But not because it says “flesh” are we only dealing with the physical.
“Flesh” here speaks to the totality of a person – the being and not just the body. So when God said, “they shall become one flesh”, God is bringing together two different totalities to create one totality, one person.
This means lines are blurred, who is who and which is which? These distinct differences of man and woman are now blurred and the aftermath is one union brought together in the sight of the Lord.
A Spiritual Partnership
Central to intimacy is a spiritual connection shared between spouses. As we established, marriage is not just joining two bodies together, but it encompasses everything about them. We recognize that we are first spiritual beings in physical bodies, and so, the union between husband and wife transcends the physical – it is spiritual.
Just as Adam and Eve walked in communion with God in the Garden of Eden, couples are called to nurture their spiritual bond.
However, many couples often overlook the need for a spiritual bond to grow. We focus too much on the physical and emotional aspects of our union. We try our hardest to satisfy our partner’s intellectual and emotional needs, forgetting that we are spiritual beings, firstly brought together for spiritual communion.
This is why couples who agree spiritually find it easier to walk together. Consider Amos 3:3, which states, “Can two walk together, except they be agreed?”
This agreement is not just an intellectual understanding of each other, nor is it only an emotional conformity. Happiness for one is not enough to say that your spirits are in agreement – it is much more. So how can we measure it? Or how can we put it into something more tangible?
Spiritual agreement can only be traced back to the things of God. John 4: 23-24 says, “God is spirit… and those who worship Him must worship Him in Spirit and in Truth”. So we measure a spiritual partnership by God alone and nothing else.
Consider the following questions to check if you and your spouse do spiritually agree:
- Do we have a similar or varying perceptions about God?
- Do we have a united understanding of God’s Word and how it guides, leads, and governs all areas of our lives?
- Are we equally thirsty of God’s presence in our lives?
- Are spiritual disciplines like reading of the Word and prayer a priority for us both?
- Do we both value the finished work of Christ on the Cross and how this affects our relationship, family, future, and all aspects of our walk and life?
- Do we confess the same things?
- Are we committed to a local church as part of our growth and connection to God’s Kingdom?
- Do we deal with sin in our lives? If yes, how?
- Do we have similar or varying perceptions about things that may endanger our marriage? Such as: Unforgiveness, Impatience, Anger, Pride, Infidelity and more.
- Are we both longing for Christ’s return?
These are just some of the many questions that can help couples measure or gauge the stature of their spiritual partnership.
An Emotional Exchange
Building upon the foundation of spiritual intimacy, emotional closeness forms another cornerstone of biblical marital harmony. Ephesians 4:2-3 exhorts believers to “Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.” This passage underscores the importance of empathy, patience, and mutual understanding in fostering emotional intimacy within marriage.
Understanding your partner’s emotional condition, their emotional prompts, inclinations – both expressed and inexpressed are critical to a thriving marriage bond. When a husband or wife fails to acknowledge that their partners are also emotional creatures, it creates a huge gap in their connection.
It is also important to note that couples may be spiritually connected and rooted in the Word but still fail to address their partner’s emotional needs. How so? Understanding your spouse’s emotional position requires a very intentional shift: it’s essentially removing yourself from a place of self-centeredness to others-centeredness.
While spiritual connection and adherence to Biblical principles lay a solid foundation for marital intimacy, addressing each other’s emotional needs requires a deliberate and empathetic approach. It is not uncommon for couples deeply rooted in their faith to overlook or struggle with attending to their partner’s emotional well-being. This disparity often arises from a fundamental shift in perspective that is essential for nurturing emotional intimacy within marriage.
Understanding your spouse’s emotional state demands a conscious shift from self-centeredness to a focus on their needs and feelings. Despite a strong spiritual bond forged through shared beliefs and values, emotional connection necessitates a deep level of empathy, active listening, and genuine concern for your partner’s inner world. Failure to make this shift can lead to emotional neglect, misunderstandings, and a growing rift in the relationship, despite the spiritual closeness shared by the couple.
This intentional shift involves setting aside one’s own desires, biases, and preconceptions to truly empathize with and validate your partner’s emotions. It requires creating a safe space for vulnerability and open communication, where both spouses feel heard, understood, and supported in times of emotional distress or joy.
By embracing this empathetic stance, couples can bridge the gap between their spiritual connection and emotional intimacy, fostering a more profound and holistic bond that addresses the entirety of their being.
A Physical Desire
Although we mentioned the spiritual agreement or spiritual partnership is key to Biblical intimacy, we don’t dismiss the physical aspect of intimacy. We are, however, guided by a spiritual bond so that the physical aspect of marital union is accomplished through God’s design and not outside of it.
Why do couples find dissatisfaction in their sex lives?
When we begin to understand that sex is a gift from God, authored by Him, then we’ll come to enjoy the many blessings this gift beholds.
The Song of Solomon celebrates the beauty and sanctity of physical intimacy between spouses, portraying it as a gift from God. In Song of Solomon 7:10, the bride declares, “I am my beloved’s, and his desire is for me,” illustrating the mutual desire and affection between husband and wife.
While spiritual partnership is foundational in fostering Biblical intimacy, the physical aspect of intimacy is also deemed sacred when approached within the framework of God’s purpose and plan for marriage.
Couples may often find dissatisfaction in their sex lives when the physical dimension of intimacy is isolated from its spiritual truths. When we view sex merely as a biological act devoid of spiritual significance, intimacy can lose its depth, purpose, and transformative power within the marital relationship. By recognizing sex as a gift from God, couples can realign their perspective and embrace the inherent blessings and sanctity that this gift entails.
Consider this confession:
We acknowledge and honor sex as a gift authored by God Himself. Through this physical expression and union, we can elevate our intimacy into a sacred expression of love, and unity. We approach sex with reverence, gratitude, and a shared commitment to God’s design and declare that our physical relationship as husband and wife becomes a reflection of the deep emotional, spiritual, and relational connection of God’s love for us.
A Mirror of Christ’s Love
Finally, we are reminded that more than our hopes, dreams, emotions – more than the satisfaction of our physical, intellectual and spiritual yearnings, our marriage is a call for a higher purpose – and that is a marriage that serves Christ.
The ultimate purpose of marriage is encompassing a divine calling to reflect the love of Christ in the union between husband and wife. Ephesians 5:25 beautifully underscores this profound truth by exhorting husbands to love their wives sacrificially, mirroring the selfless and unconditional love demonstrated by Christ for His church.
How did Christ love the church? The answer is really simple – He gave Himself up for the Church, His bride. More than himself, Christ valued the life of His bride – and this is what underscores Biblical intimacy in marriage: Sacrificial Love.
At the core of sacrificial love lies a profound commitment to selflessness, putting the needs, well-being, and happiness of your spouse above your own. This sacrificial love, rooted in Christ’s example, serves as the cornerstone of trust, intimacy, and harmony within marriage.
When we embody the kind of love that Christ gave, we create an environment where our partner feels valued, cherished, and deeply loved, fostering a sense of security and emotional connection that paves the way for openness and vulnerability within the relationship.
This sacrificial love not only cultivates a profound sense of trust between spouses but also acts as a catalyst for deepening intimacy on all levels – emotional, spiritual, and physical.
When we prioritize selfless love and mutual respect in our marriage, we create a safe space where authentic communication, empathy, and understanding thrive.
This shared commitment to sacrificial love not only strengthens the marital bond but also aligns the union with its higher calling to reflect the love of Christ to the world.
Conclusion
In conclusion, understanding biblical intimacy is essential for building a fulfilling and enduring marriage. Rooted in God’s design, this intimacy encompasses spiritual, emotional, and physical dimensions, fostering unity, trust, and love between husband and wife. As couples align their relationship with biblical principles, they embark on a journey of intimacy that reflects the beauty of God’s design for marriage.
